Happy, Joyous and Free
I will never forget how I felt the first time I drank alcohol. I was 16 years old at a beach party. The mindlessness that I experienced that night was a blissful relief that I didn’t know I had been missing, but that I had also been searching for my whole life. How amazing was this feeling of having no feelings at all? I felt like I had achieved nirvana.
From that day on, the pursuit of that feeling became my sole purpose in life, and I chased it every single day. By the time I was 17, drinking and using drugs had stopped being fun and had become very dark and scary. I kept finding myself in increasingly dangerous situations and had absolutely no regard for my own well-being or anyone else’s. I knew every night that I drank and used that I might die, and I didn’t really care. I felt so far removed from my true self that I didn’t even know who I was any more. Addiction had stolen me from myself and from everyone who loved me.
At 20 years old, after a series of exceptionally disturbing nights out that turned into days, I knew I couldn’t live this way any longer. I asked my mum for help, detoxed, went to several AA meetings, and was amazed to find myself feeling like a brand new person pretty much overnight. Unfortunately, for reasons that I don’t recall, I chose not to continue with AA and did not make an effort to connect with other sober young people. For 20-year-old me, just not drinking or doing drugs was yielding some pretty good results, so I thought that was enough.
To absolutely no one's surprise, just quitting the substances and doing absolutely nothing else was not enough to sustain me long-term. All of the issues that had led me to use substances in the first place were still there, waiting in the shadows. I began making terrible choices and acting out in other addictive behaviours - anything to fill the void that was left without alcohol and drugs - and every area of my life started to fall apart again. I found myself living with the same shroud of shame that I had felt when I was drinking and doing drugs. I managed to stay white-knuckle sober for about 4 years before making the decision to drink again in January of 2009.
That first night of partying seemed like a solution. By the second night, it was no longer fun and I was reliving the same scary darkness that I had experienced daily 4 years prior. My family knew that I had relapsed before I even told them and secured me a bed in treatment. I arrived at Cedars 24 years old and completely broken. I don’t remember the journey up there but I do remember insisting to all of the staff that I would only need to stay there for 2 weeks, not 6, because didn’t they understand that I had been sober for 4 years before all this happened? (Spoiler alert; I stayed 52 days).
There is something profoundly healing and powerful about the land and the people at Cedars. As soon as I arrived, I felt safe in my mind, body, spirit and soul. The counsellors and staff were all so knowledgable and supportive, and as I began learn about myself and the disease of addiction, I was able to develop deep insights about how things had gotten to this point and what blocks needed to shift in order to heal from it all. I learned how to tolerate my feelings rather than trying to numb them away. Perhaps most importantly, I was shown a very clear path forward, and I knew that I would never have to live in the darkness of addiction ever again - as long as I was willing to follow it.
I am eternally grateful to have been properly introduced to Alcoholics Anonymous while at Cedars. When I got out, I got busy putting into action all of the suggestions that had been laid out in my aftercare plan - daily meetings, sponsor, step work, home group - every single one. I immersed myself in the recovery community, made a bunch of sober friends, started to clean up the wreckage of my past, and quickly began to feel a sense of wholeness and belonging that I had never felt before. Abstinent recovery brought me back to myself.
It turned out that being aligned with my true self and my true values was a million times more satisfying than any drink or drug or other addict behaviour could ever be. Happy, joyous, and free; those became the feelings that I would chase and have continued to chase for over 15 years, since the day I entered Cedars on January 28, 2009.
