Reflection….
REFLECTION…
As I approach 5 years clean since the dark days of my active addiction, I cannot help but reflect on what I might go back to tell that earlier desperate version of myself if I could. With everything that I have learned and have come to understand in my recovery, what would the most impactful insights include?
Perhaps, I might let myself know that what I was going through was very real and significant, that the story I was telling myself, “You are weak, you are useless, you should be able to fix this by yourself” was all wrong and could not have been further from the truth. Maybe I would tell myself about some of the successes that we would achieve or milestones we would reach in our recovery; how we would mend and build strong loving relationships with our children, our families, and a few friends who made the post addiction cut, or how incredibly fast everything would begin to change for the better. I might take a moment to give old me a kick in the ass; tell him to get over myself to quit obsessing over my own situation and consider how I was affecting others. I remember feeling so set in my guilt, in carrying all the shame that I shouldered like it was my job, like it was my cross to bear, that it would have been selfish not to. However, I know now that carrying all that baggage was actually the most selfish act of them all because its weight was pinning me down, preventing me from standing up again, getting the help I needed, and becoming the person that I am today.
By March 6th, 2019, everything in my life, all my behavior had come to revolve around my drugs use, the circumstance that my drug use had created in my life, my physical and mental exhaustion, despair, self-loathing, and defeat. Every day was Groundhog Day; I had exhausted every solution that I could come up with on my own that put me in the driver’s seat, many of them several times over. I was done, it was over. I had done everything I could with what I had to work with.
On second thought, if I could go back to visit myself in March of 2019, I wouldn’t give myself any of the knowledge or wisdom that I have earned for myself and in my recovery today. The success that I have experienced and the security of my recovery in the future demands that I experience everything fully and that I do not take shortcuts. Instead, I would just give myself a hug and a warm reassuring smile and say…
”Thank you for your desperation and for finally surrendering. You are going to reach out for help now, you will always get credit for that. I cannot wait for you to meet me in the future. We are pretty special guys; you will enjoy getting to know you and we are even going to help some other people along the way, my friend.”
Trevor Botkin
